I live in a pineapple under the sea.

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I know it's been a long while since I've updated this and i don't expect many people to read it, i just needed to type it out.
I find it hard to fully express my feelings in a way that lets other people fully understand them. I'd rather be cryptic and vague then let them all gush out easy to identify. I can't be weak. I'm stubborn and I'm selfish in that way but it's a fact, I can not allow myself to be seen as weak but there is one topic that causes my breath to be caught in my chest and sends my knees weak.


There are times when these thoughts catch me unexpectedly, i can feel the blood drain from my face, i feel my eyes swell with tears and that pain in the back of my throat. The pain i feel for River is like no other pain I've felt. It's like a hot knife slashing through my chest, like my heart has been ripped from my chest and falls to the ground still beating.
 It's been years since that dreadful night. It's been years since those sirens, since the swarm of angry buzzing cameras. Statements, police, autopsy, but the pain feels like it happened only hours ago.
The screams haunt me. Screams full of loss and pain, of a future being ripped apart. Screams of someone being ripped in half. For those who didn't know of the love between Keanu and River you will never fully understand the pain heard in those screams, it was if Keanu's warm beating heart had been replaced by stone. That night changed everything. I've always thought that night was never meant to happen, as if we were living in a parallel world that shouldn't be.

I still feel guilty. I will always feel guilty. Guilty that I didn't get to him in time. Guilty that I shouldn't have left his side that night. Guilty that I am free to love Keanu and receive his love in return.
I know River.. I knew River.. he'd be happy for us. He always knew how deeply my feelings for his boyfriend ran. He knew behind every smile I wanted Keanu for myself but I know he wouldn't trust anybody else with loving who he left behind. I like to think he didn't mean to overdose. I need to think that. Even now I can't handle the thought of him wanting to leave us behind. I miss him so much. Everyday I think of him. Every single day even just for a split second I think of him. I see it in Keanu too. I'll see him look up into the sky or I'll notice his eyes gloss over and know just for a split second that my darling River is alive in my husband's memories for just one more moment.
That's all we have. Moments. Brief moments where we forget that he's no longer with us and expect him to bounce through the door and join us for an ice tea. When I watch his movies it's like he's not even gone. I remember stories about being on set, the stupid jokes we'd  have together and the way he'd always hold my hand when crossing the street.

River to you I raise my glass. I know one day, a long time from now that Keanu and I will join you and that once again his eyes will sparkle like they used to


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